he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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