clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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