you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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