separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
