that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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