Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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