You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
