last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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