ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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