I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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