i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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