I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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