Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
