just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
