I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
