i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
