So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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