apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
