The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
