now i know why i became what i already was.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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