four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
