Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize