She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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