Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
