At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
