woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
