I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize