you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
