yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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