Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
