he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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