I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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