apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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