Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
