No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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