Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
