I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
