No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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