Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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