wanna go halves on a baby?
we're making bets on your personal life
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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