cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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