I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You're like the curious george of whores
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
