they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
