thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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