I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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