Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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