3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
