I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
