I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
