I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
