ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
