Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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