i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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