mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
