No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my poor anus
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
