matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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