I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
