Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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