Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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