I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
