im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
