im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
