I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
