we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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