Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
